From My 40s with Love: 5 Lessons I'd Share with My Younger Self
Hello, dear friends; today is the morning of my 49th birthday. For me, these birthdays that end with 7, 8, and 9 are always a bit tougher to handle than the actual big birthdays. I like to say they make you realize after the 7s that you’re officially, undeniably, on your way out of the decade.
So, for this particular day, I want to share five valuable lessons I've picked up in my 40s, realizations that I’d like to think have changed me for the better, and things I wish I had realized much earlier in my life. Of course, I'm a work in progress and am still working on all of these, but here goes…
Love is Enough, and the Love You Feel is Your Power.
Love is a powerful force that I’ve only recently come to understand in a new light. For most of my life, I was preoccupied with the love I wanted to receive, trying to be loved in the way I thought I needed, and wanting to be loved. But at some point in the last five years, I had a massive “ah-ha” moment.
It turns out the real brilliance of love lies in the experience and power of feeling it and acting on it, not the seeking of it. There are so many types of love – for people, our four-legged friends, and the beautiful world around us. When you take a moment to appreciate what a gift it is to have the capacity to love fiercely, deeply, and passionately, appreciating that feeling can be enough to brighten every day. It can also give you a new way of looking at loss, as you heal, to realize what a gift it is to feel so strongly that it can hurt so bad. And then it can give you the strength and motivation to love again.
Several years back, I was going through a particularly challenging point in my life. A dear friend of mine taught me a fantastic trick. Please bear with me if this sounds a bit hokey, but I think it’s worth it! She taught me that when I'm feeling hopeless or frustrated, to take some time out to sit quietly and think about the people I love one by one. Focus on, really acknowledge, and step into my feelings for them, send them love and healing in my thoughts, and then move on to the next person. It's a simple but profound way to lift your spirits and find peace. I’ve also found that the next time I see the person, it gives me this sense that I have a little secret bond with them that only I know.
Quit “Should-ing” Yourself.
In my 20s and 30s, I was quite the expert at telling myself what I "should" be doing. It was a never-ending list of "I should wake up earlier," "I should make more money," "I should be a better cook," and "I should keep a super clean house." The "shoulds" just kept piling up.
But then, someone gave me some brilliant advice. They said, "Stop 'should-ing' yourself." Instead of "should," they told me to replace that inner dialogue with different words -- "I deserve to," "I can," and "think about how great it will feel when I..." It was like a lightbulb moment for me. This simple change in the wording I used when talking to myself transformed what had felt like guilt and punishment into excitement and possibility. “I should be able to run up this hill,” became, “Think how fantastic I’ll feel when I get home after conquering all the hills!” Amazing difference.
It's Okay to Let People Go.
The hardest lesson I've ever learned is that letting go of people in your life is okay. I used to think that if a relationship didn't work out (especially when it came to someone I loved), it was within my control, and I should always be able to fix it. I believed that if someone was struggling, I had to find a way to help them. It wasn't until my 30s that I realized it was okay, and even necessary, to let people go, even if I had promised to always be there for them. I'm still working on this lesson, and it might be a lifelong journey, but it's powerful, and it’s quite literally saved my life.
Life has taught me the hard way that sometimes the strongest thing to do is to say goodbye and to forgive myself for doing so – especially when it becomes a choice between protecting myself and protecting the other person. The younger, more poetic side of me believed that it would be valiant to go down with the ship for love. But experience has taught me to never sacrifice my health and happiness — not for anyone or anything. You never have to stop loving a person, but sometimes you do have to let them go.
The Past is Just a Story We Tell Ourselves.
When you think about it, the past, in its essence, doesn't actually exist. It's like a fleeting whisper. If you were to ask three different people to recount a memory, you'd be astounded by how distinct and drastically different each version is. The past becomes a story that we carry with us, a narrative that we can reshape in any way we choose. The power to rewrite it is a powerful tool in our quest for a more positive, fulfilling, and motivating life. I believe that shame and guilt are worthless emotions. I’m not saying to deny your misteps or forget your mistakes entirely, but instead, we can rewrite our past and fashion it into a driving force that propels us toward a brighter, better future. Your future needs you; your past doesn’t.
Get On With It!
Your dreams, those desires that tug at your heart, will persistently nag you. If there's something you've always wanted to do, something significant to you, get on with it! You won't just "get over it." Ignore people who say it doesn't make sense, that you're not qualified or unprepared. Disregard the doubters who claim you don't ‘need it’ or the timing’s wrong. They are not you. In my experience, you've got to seize the moment, get started, and make it happen. Whether learning to fly, conquering a mountain, writing a book, or traveling to Fiji, don't just talk about it –do it! And here's the beautiful part – you don't have to commit to it for life. Begin the journey, take that first step, and see where life takes you. Read Explore Freely: New Adventures Don’t Have to be Lifetime Subscriptions! if all these birthday ramblings haven’t been enough.
Janet Casto, co-owner of UnchainedBrainz
Okay, so that was longer than I expected, but hopefully, you got a couple of ideas out of this in trade for my advancing age! Please have an incredible Nov. 1, everyone.
Happy birthday to me, and happy unchaining!
Janet